LEFTIES-No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world? You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out. See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos. 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2021 Whiskey River Soap Co. 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils Made in the USA Box Size: 7 ½" H x 2 ½" W x ⅜" L
PROSCRASTINATORS-Two weeks. Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.
TEACHERS-IT'S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE... But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
SH!T SHOW-Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn that gray world Technicolor with our new Shit Show Colored Pencil Set. Shit Show Colored Pencils 8-Pack 8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed into a sturdy slide-out box © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
NURSES-MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER? You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jell-o. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe. Nurses Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
OKAY MOMS-CONGRATULATIONS. You're the world's okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps. Okay Moms Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS-AWWWWW.... I hear you're having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you're shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST gluten-free muffin you've ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS. First World Problems Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
MIDDLE CHILD-WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba. The Middle Child Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
FESTIVUS-The holiday for the rest of us "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way! This doll was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born: 'A Festivus for the rest of us!'" - Frank Costanza from Seinfeld episode "The Strike"
ZERO F*CKS-No fucks. We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. Fresh out. Zero Fucks Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
MIDLIFE CRISIS-WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN'T BE FUN? Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp. Midlife Crisis Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2021 Whiskey River Soap Co.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE-It's fine. I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it. Passive Aggressive Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
Funny Pencils
Sizing Guidelines
LEFTIES-No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world? You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out. See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos. 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2021 Whiskey River Soap Co. 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils Made in the USA Box Size: 7 ½" H x 2 ½" W x ⅜" L
PROSCRASTINATORS-Two weeks. Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.
TEACHERS-IT'S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE... But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
SH!T SHOW-Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn that gray world Technicolor with our new Shit Show Colored Pencil Set. Shit Show Colored Pencils 8-Pack 8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed into a sturdy slide-out box © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
NURSES-MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER? You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jell-o. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe. Nurses Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
OKAY MOMS-CONGRATULATIONS. You're the world's okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps. Okay Moms Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS-AWWWWW.... I hear you're having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you're shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST gluten-free muffin you've ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS. First World Problems Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
MIDDLE CHILD-WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba. The Middle Child Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
FESTIVUS-The holiday for the rest of us "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way! This doll was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born: 'A Festivus for the rest of us!'" - Frank Costanza from Seinfeld episode "The Strike"
ZERO F*CKS-No fucks. We hear you. You're so over it you can't even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn't give a F. We know. Fresh out. Zero Fucks Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.
MIDLIFE CRISIS-WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN'T BE FUN? Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp. Midlife Crisis Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2021 Whiskey River Soap Co.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE-It's fine. I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it. Passive Aggressive Pencils 8-pack Standard No. 2 Pencils © 2020 Whiskey River Soap Co.